


Soul for a Soul

by O_Wild_West_Wind



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Infinity War (Marvel Comics), Mental Instability, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Parenthood, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Starmora, Team as Family, uh idk I hate tagging do I have to keep doing this halp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 04:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20129311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/O_Wild_West_Wind/pseuds/O_Wild_West_Wind
Summary: Thanos is dead. That Gamora knows; she’s ensured it by her very own hand. But that does not undo the fact that he’d traded of a part of her soul for the Soul Stone during the war, and she can’t help but remain restless. How can you feel whole, after all, when the very fabric of your existence has been split apart? The universe may now be at peace, but she has a war to be fought still: a war to find herself inside the stones, and a war against following in the footsteps of the very man she’d spent a lifetime vowing never to become. MCU post-Infinity War AU, inspired by the Infinity Wars comics





	Soul for a Soul

It was hard to believe that he was actually dead. 

And as she sat at the table that morning, absently stirring her coffee—a dangerous new addiction, thanks to the Avengers—it didn’t even faze her to see him standing there, looking down at her as he always did. And she just took a sip. 

She always knew that Thanos wasn’t a man who would allow himself to be forgotten easily; she just wished he was a little more easily forgotten by her. 

At least he never hung around long. He was gone as quick as she’d noticed him. But it did seem strange to her that after all those years of resentment and grief, all she could feel now was numb. 

She’d been drinking her coffee like this for the past few mornings, alone in the kitchen before everyone else woke up. It pissed her off, really, falling back into the spells of insomnia she thought she’d kicked since she’d found the Guardians. Peter had been like a drug for her the past few years, knocking her out with that warmth and assurance of safety every night she slept by his side; but she supposed some drugs lose efficacy after being used too long. Or maybe Thanos really was powerful enough to counteract even the strongest dosage of love. 

At least Peter let her borrow his Zune. So here she sat, a little cold by the window, trying to let the music clear her mind as she just stared into space. 

“You could ask Mantis to help you sleep, you know.”

She took out an earbud; guess she was no longer alone. “Speak for yourself.” 

Nebula shrugged. “Maybe we should do it. It doesn’t matter if we cheat things anymore; maybe it would be a nice ‘fuck you’ to him, anyway.”

“But you always cheated things.”

“Maybe. But now I can be open about it.”

She smiled a little. At least there was one thing this whole ordeal gave her: her sister was finally a part of her family. 

“There’s some extra coffee if you want any.” 

“I’ll pass, thanks.” 

“You’re really missing out, but suit yourself.”

“On some bitterness and heart palpitations?” Nebula pulled up the chair across from her and plopped down, folding her arms. “Sounds like my life already, I don’t need some weird bean drink to do that for me. You’ve just been hanging around Terrans too much.” 

She took another sip, grinning. “More for me, then.” 

“Hm.” Nebula leaned back, turning her face towards the window. Gamora followed suit. It was good knowing they could sit here calmly like this, fighting about their beverage choices rather than fighting for the commendation of Thanos. Add that to the list of reasons to be grateful he was dead. Be happy, dammit. Feel something. Don’t feel so numb. 

“Are you happy, Nebula?” The question came out of her before she knew she had asked it.

“What?” She squinted. “Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe that was rhetorical.” She took out the other earbud, absently spinning the cord around her finger a few times before placing it onto the table. “But you can answer if you want.”

Nebula looked back out the window and rested her chin down on one of her fists. “I don’t know about happy. But I…” She took a breath. “I feel calm. Maybe even content. So I guess that’s a step up from the past twenty years or so.” 

Gamora gave a tender glance, although she knew her sister wasn’t looking. That was okay, though; they didn’t need each other’s validation to trust each other anymore. 

“I’m glad to hear that.” She sipped her coffee again and kept the mug raised, letting the steam warm her face by the frosty window. Nebula turned back to her, pensive.

“Are you?”

Gamora hoped she wouldn’t return the question—but apparently the new Nebula was full of surprises. She took a moment to respond, swirling the mug and watching the liquid slosh around. “Who knows.” 

Nebula lifted her other hand until both were supporting her head. “You’re not happy.”

Gamora said nothing. 

“He’s dead.”

“I know.”

“Is that not reason enough?”

“Is it enough for you?”

Nebula looked down. “Fair enough.” She brought her hands down and folded them in front of her. “But getting out of his clutch has been.”

She supposed that was the problem; she didn’t feel like she was out of his clutch yet. It was weird, and kind of disconcerting—she’d spent four years severing ties with him, but it was only after all this time, after his death, that she once more felt choked by the tightness of his grip. But then again, what wasn’t weird and disconcerting anymore? Maybe everyone was right; she just needed time. She’d just killed her lifelong abductor, after all. There was more emotional baggage tied to that than for her to be able to lift easily, no matter how strong she thought she was. 

She nodded anyway. But Nebula didn’t buy it.

“Do you think it’s the Soul Stone?”

“What?”

“When he split your soul. Do you think that’s catching up to you?”

To tell the truth, she’d been thinking that alreay. But she wasn’t ready to admit it now. “I was told that I’d be fine with just the half I still have.”

“You were told you  _ should  _ be fine. That’s not the same thing. And what is that based off of, anyway? It’s not like that happens often enough for there to be some...scientific analysis, or whatever.” 

Gamora tapped lightly at her mug. “I’m sure it’s okay.”

“If you say so.” Nebula stood back up, looking around for something to eat. “But you don’t have to bite your tongue through the pain anymore. Neither of us do.” 

She’d grown a lot, hadn’t she? It was amazing how considerate Nebula had become since his death. 

She’d ignore the guilt of how inwardly-absorbed she’d become in the same span of time. 

But it wasn’t as if it was always like this, and that was the saving grace for her. Even now, she felt like her sister’s presence had pulled her back into something more normal. Just let the coffee buzz through her system and she’d be herself again, she figured; it’s four in the morning, after all. Who is ever themselves at four in the morning?

“Are you staying awake, or do you think you’ll go back to bed?”

“I guess I might try to go back soon, just to lay down.”

“Maybe it’s Quill’s snoring that’s keeping you awake.” Nebula’s face was so unmoving that it was hard to tell if she was joking or not, but Gamora laughed anyway.

“I  _ wish  _ that was the problem here.” 

“Yaro Root?”

“Not now, thanks.” 

Nebula took a bite, pacing the room a little. “What does he have to say about the soul thing?”

“Peter? I don’t know, we haven’t really talked about it that deeply.”

“I think you should.”

Gamora smiled, a little smug. “I thought you didn’t trust him.”

“I don’t, because he’s an idiot.” Nebula took another bite. “But he’s not stupid. And I know you won’t listen to anything I suggest, anyway. Get his take and maybe you’ll do something about it.”

“Of course I listen to you, Nebula.”

She raised a silent eyebrow, chewing. 

“Alright, fine. I promise I’ll talk to him.”

Nebula didn’t respond, but started to walk out of the kitchen instead. 

“Where are you going?”

“Back to bed, I only came here for a snack.”

Gamora shook her head with a soft smile. “Goodnight, then?”

“It’s morning.” Nebula spit out a seed. “Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

“I’m going to talk to him, don’t worry.”

Her sister turned around, one last time before she left. “Take care of yourself.” 

“I will if you will.”

“I’m holding you to that.” And with that, Gamora was alone again. 

And although she did make her way back to bed, she didn’t ask Peter. 

* * *

She’d relived the moment so many times now that it was difficult to tell anymore what was real and what was in her head; the flashes of metal, the pulsing lights, echoes so loud that they became silent in her ears. And falling, the two of them falling in opposite directions, falling as if through endless space and time, as if the ground wasn’t right below their feet. 

She opened her eyes with a start. That was the benefit of not being able to sleep, she supposed; she could always snap out of the nightmares her mind had conjured up for her just before they got too dark. 

“You okay?” Peter was looking over at her, concern in his eyes. It was a look she’d become all too familiar with these past few weeks, and she followed it with just as familiar of a response.

“Yes, I’m fine.” 

“Bad memories comin’ back?”

She didn’t have to say anything to confirm it; he already knew.

It was afternoon now. She’d been keeping Peter company for the past hour or so he’d been piloting the ship, although she could admit her company hadn’t been great; she was falling in and out of consciousness, too tired to stay awake and too awake to stay asleep. He’d told her to close her eyes for as long as she could, and so she did. And now she knew how long she could before she couldn’t anymore.

“I’m tired of this.”

“Tired of being tired, huh?”

“That’s one way to put it.” 

He reached over and squeezed her hand. “And that’s why we’re gonna do something about it once we land.” 

She always admired his optimism, how good he was at taking action on account of others. She normally didn’t feel so jealous of that; she could usually be happy with her own strengths, and happy that his could complement her own. But she wasn’t normal right now, and so his words just sent a little anxious buzz through her stomach. She stretched her arms out, suddenly uncomfortable with how she was sitting.

“I never used to sleep any better than this years ago, but I still felt awake back then. I don’t get why things are different now.” 

“I used to be able to eat an entire pizza in one sitting. Bodies change, ‘Mora. It’s normal.”

“I get that…”

“But you don’t seem like you believe it.”

She bit her lip. “I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right.” 

“Yeah, I know.” He seemed to say that to himself as much as to her. A little desperate, he decided to change the subject. “Nebula seems to be adjusting well to the Guardian life.” 

“Yes, she is.” She poked at the stereo a bit, flipping through songs until she settled on something she wanted to hear. “She was up this morning, too.”

“I really think you two should get Mantis to help you sleep.” 

“She said the same thing.”

“Really? Well, all the more reason to go ahead with it, then.” 

“I just want to see what the doctor says first, you know? Like, if something’s broken? It’s been a while since I got my mods checked.”

“And you’re not just afraid of being vulnerable?”

She eyed him, pursing her lips.

“I know you, honey. You’re an open book to me.” Without any response from her, he continued on. “Do the others know we’re ditching them for this appointment?”

“They don’t need to know, I’m sure they’ll all be busy with their own things.”

“Yeah.” He absently tapped his finger on the wheel to the music. “You don’t think…”

“I doubt it. The odds are so slim.”

“Yeah.” He kept tapping, a little more anxiously now. “But we don’t really know what the symptoms of that would be, right?”

“I just don’t want false hope, Peter. Not right now.”

“Okay.” He nodded, redundantly. “That’s fine.” 

She turned the music up a little, trying to see if it would silence her mind. She really didn’t know what to say; but at least that was what music was for. 

“Are you sure you’re telling me everything about how you’re feeling, ‘Mora?”

“What? Why?”

“I’m just worried about you, that’s all.” She sunk in her chair a little. “You don’t have to tell me everything, I know you’re still going through a lot. But I just don’t want you to hide stuff on my behalf. I can handle it.”

She heard his words, but they did not stick; she felt, quite suddenly, like she was being watched. She whipped her head, but no one was there. 

“What? What is it?”

“Nothing, I just thought…nothing.” 

A moment of silence. He sighed deeply. “I just wish you would tell me.”

“I’m telling you everything, Peter.”

Another sigh, a little terse. He spoke under his breath. “I know you’re not, but there’s nothin’ else I do about it.” 

He was clearly getting moody, and she understood why. Normally she might say something to him, help calm him down; but this time, she felt fully responsible for it. 

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was quiet, almost unintelligible. His face softened. 

“You know, some day…”

She turned to him, inquisitive. “Hm?”

“Some day, when your head is much lighter—”

“Oh my  _ god _ .” She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t help her smile. He started snapping a little. 

“Things are gonna get easier…”

“When the world is much brighter, sure.”

“Right now?”

“You just wait and see how things are gonna be.”

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” He turned up the music, jamming out a little in his seat. “You still got it, you know you do.”

“And I still wonder how a ship is going to stay its course while its pilot is dancing around, so I guess we’re back to normal.” 

“I’m a  _ great _ pilot who just so happens to understand the...the  _ magnanimous _ power of a groove.”

“I don’t think you know what that word means.” 

“Dammit, I really thought I had it right that time...”

“I can help you out if you want.”

“Nah, I’ll keep guessing.” 

She shook her head with a smile. 

“Looks like we’re almost there.” He kissed her hand lightly before taking the controls. “You ready?”

“Magnanimously.”

“Is that how—”

“Nope.” She grinned, securing herself in her seat for landing. “Thank you, by the way.”

His voice was soft, almost reverent. “For what?”

She wasn’t even sure what to say. “Everything.”

He smiled; she took a breath. 

His magnanimity was a blessing. Why did she suddenly feel so afraid that she might lose it?

* * *

Peter was right. Against all odds, he was right. 

But it did seem strange to her that after all these years of hoping and dreaming, all she could feel now was numb. 

He was just as she expected him to be; thrilled, nervous, emotional, all at once. She cried, and most of it  _ was  _ from genuine joy and relief. She did feel that much in that moment, and that was all she needed right now. She couldn’t expect herself to feel anything consistently, and that was okay. Wasn’t it?

They were back on the ship, but no one else was yet. So she went to bed early; she was finally tired enough, and she didn’t want to risk losing the chance of sleep. Plus, with things as they were now…

Peter wanted to stay up later, so he kissed her forehead before he shut the door behind him. And she knew as soon as he left that even with his absence, she still wasn’t alone in that room. 

And this time, she heard his voice.

_ “You’ll understand now, won’t you?”  _

He was the last thing she saw before the world blacked out, inward from the edges. But he was forgotten as sleep finally plunged in. This new child killed her in her dream. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya reader! I'm new to AO3 and this fanbase so yo what's up
> 
> This exists since I liked Gamora's arc better in the comics but her characterization/relationships better in the MCU, so I needed to marry the two for my own personal satisfaction as I wallow in the shadow of endgame. So yes, it's not super original. Do I care? not really. 
> 
> If you're confused now, it should be explained in time through my ~incoherent surrealist writing style~  
or maybe you'll just be perpetually confused  
no guarantees
> 
> Thanks for coming along the ride fam


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